Skulduggery Pleasant: The Most Random Thing I've Ever Written
by Emskaro
Summary: Want people randomly exploding? This story got it! Want China Sorrows eating our favorite gun-slinging skeleton's hand? Woo! Want some characters derping around the Faceless Ones Realm? Yeah, OK. You get the picture right? RIGHT? Elbow Licking fun! Skulduggery's hat was the only thing that could save them all.. According to China. (I had the giggles writing this, it's all for fun)
1. Elbow Licking Fun

The Silliest Thing I've Ever Written

Skulduggery glanced sideways at his companion, her hair covered her face as she stared out the Bentley's window. "Valkyrie?" He said, slightly worried. "Mm?" Came her reply. She continued to stare out the window. "You sure you want to go through with this?" He mumbled, his velvety voice now dripping with concern.  
Valkyrie nodded her head, 'Yes'. Skulduggery tilted his head in the gesture of a smile. "Alright then." With that, Skulduggery put on a sombrero and shot through the roof of the Bentley,  
Valkyrie started to play, "I Whip My Hair Back And Forth" on the radio at max volume and shouted, "ARRIIBAA!"She shot through the car roof as well and flailed around. They both danced on the broken remains of the Bentley, giggling and laughing hysterically. "What the hell are you two doing?" Came an angry voice, the pair froze, caught in the act. China Sorrows glared at them angrily a few meters away. Her beautiful eyes scanned the wreckage. Skulduggery giggled. Valkyrie licked her elbow. And with that, China hopped up on the car roof with them and danced crazily.  
"I whip my hair back and forth, I whip my hair back and forth!" The girls chanted, drawing a really badly drawn face on the back of Skulduggery's skull with lipstick. Valkyrie made a noise in between a burp and a cough. China fell off the wrecked car and broke one of her legs. She smiled and tapped the symbols carved near her butt. Rocket launchers appeared, seemingly summoned by the symbols. China Sorrows shot herself in the leg to fix it, then continued dancing. "Wait." Skulduggery murmured, suddenly. Both girls paused, staring at him. Skulduggery whipped out his phone and made an important call. Valkyrie wet herself in frustration. When the phone call was done, Skulduggery set fire to his hat. Valkyrie cheered!  
China frowned, "No, Skulduggery darling. That hat was... It was the only thing that could save us." She began to cry. Skulduggery tilted his head sideways. "I have an idea."

TWO HOURS LATER

Skulduggery stood, his head missing. Fletcher held it in his arms. "You sure about this?" He said, cradling it like it was a baby." Skulduggery threw him a thumbs up. Literally, Fletcher shrieked as he dodged Skulduggery's hand. China picked it up and began to chew on one of the fingers. Valkyrie screamed, her leg was gone. China had eaten it within the last two seconds. Fletcher stared at them all, as they all stared at him. China drooled. "I love you." He said, gazing at her. China pouted, "Be a dear and open the portal already." She snapped.  
The teleporter did as he was told and Valkyrie laughed in approval. They all hopped through the portal, making farting noises as they did so. As soon as they were in that horrible place with all the fire and the Faceless dorks, they frowned. "How.. How did I get back here?" Skulduggery muttered, head somehow attached to his body again. Valkyrie stared off into the distance.  
China spat out Skulduggery's hand. Skulduggery stared at China. "China.." He began. The beautiful woman blinked her eyes at him. "Yes, Skulduggery?" The two stared at each other. "Were you.. Eating my hand?" China laughed, "Oh Skulduggery! You kidder!" She broke into a nervous sweat. Skulduggery bent down to retrieve his hand. "..Hrm, bite marks." He announced,  
after staring at it. Valkyrie gasped, taking a step back over the edge of a horrible cliff. They all heard the horrible noise of bone and human splatting against the ground far below. "Well."  
Skulduggery began. "That was unexpected." Fletcher nodded. China stared at him. "Weren't you meant to be keeping the portal open?" Fletcher shrugged, then exploded. China had a look of horror on her face as disgusting pieces of Fletcher got stuck in her hair. Skulduggery nodded in agreement to Fletcher's explosion. "We should all go home." He mused, voice slightly sad. China nodded, then randomly combusted. Skulduggery sat down, and began poking the remains of Fletcher and China. Valkyrie poked his shoulder. "Skulduggery?" She whispered. The Skeleton detective jumped up in surprise and spun around to face her. Valkyrie's eyes opened wide as she screamed. "OH MY GOD, SKULDUGGERY! YOU'RE A SKELETON!" She flailed around, crying and screaming. Skulduggery gave her a sombrero. "Sh, it's alright. It's alright." He consoled her. Valkyrie sniffled. " You.. I thought.. You were a taco.." Darquesse laughed and sent a punch into Skulduggery's chest, the force sent him flying backwards. Darkness leaked from Skulduggery as Lord Vile emerged. The two danced on the dead remains of Fletcher and China. Darquesse licked her elbow.

Skulduggery gasped as he came out of his meditation, "Oh my god... What a terrible dream." He glanced around and laughed halfheartedly. "What to do..?" A sigh floated from his non existent lips as sadness overtook him. He had lost track of how long he had been in the Faceless Ones Realm. They had tortured him heard footsteps and played dead.  
He heard a whimper as he saw what looked like Valkyrie.. Valkyrie? His hopes soared, but were extinguished as soon as he realized he had gone through all this before. A single thought now drifted into his head. 'She's not real'. He laughed on the inside, might as well make the best of a simply hopeless situation. The hallucination walked slowly up to him. 'Hello?" It whispered.  
He lay on the ground and didn't move. "It's me. I've come to take you back. Can you hear me? I found you." Not even a breeze stirred him. It knelt by him as a sad look crossed It's face.  
"Please say something. Please. I've missed you so much and I've worked so hard to find you. Please." The Hallucination reached out to touch him, and Skulduggery Pleasant whipped his head to her and roared, "BOO!" The Fake Valkyrie shrieked and scrambled back, and Skulduggery laughed hysterically like it was the funniest thing he had ever seen. He was still laughing when the hallucination got to her feet...

As Skulduggery lay on the slightly damp grass of his realm he looked around in shock and amazement. He slowly stood up and continued to gaze at his surroundings. "Good god." He said softly.  
"I'm home." He half expected everyone to start dancing or dying or licking their elbows. But they didn't. And then Skulduggery randomly exploded. Leaving everyone in a state of shock.

_That was the most random thing I've ever written. Seriously. I was giggling all the way through it. That was fun to write. It wasn't that good, had almost no story line, and had China Sorrows acting like an idiot. And I loved writing it. Peace!_ -**Clawdiana**


	2. Mexican Music

;~; Another Random Adventure ;~;

Skulduggery Pleasant shot sideways, dodging a stray bullet. The Sanctuary Cleavers' sharp scythes blurred through the air, slicing through the enemy hollow men. Valkyrie Cain dove to the ground  
next to him, panting. "Oh my god, Skulduggery, I almost got killed out there!" Skulduggery ignored her, and crawled over to a blown up car. The battleground was an empty parking lot, littered  
with blood and dead.. Uh, stuff. And cars. Did I mention death..? Anyway, Valkyrie crawled over with him. "I almost died." She stated again. Skulduggery peeked over the car, only to get shot at.  
He whipped off his beloved hat to examine it, as he expected there was a bullet hole through the top. "Dear lord.. Valkyrie. You know what this means, right?" He muttered, just noticing  
her. Valkyrie narrowed her eyes. "You care more about your hat rather then my almost death?" Skulduggery carefully looked at her. "Yes." He replied flatly. The bullets stopped flying through the  
air as the sounds of the battle faded. What had he just said to Valkyrie Cain...? Skulduggery placed his hat back on his head, and stood. Valkyrie stood aswell, and clenched her jaw.  
They examined each other. "You wanna go, mate?!" She cried angrily, the internet suddenly inhabiting her mind. skulduggery whipped out his guns, "It would be my pleasure, dear Valkyrie."  
He announced smoothly. Fletcher then teleported in between them, holding an ice cream. "What's going o-"BANG!... Fletcher had a hole through his head. The ice cream dropped. "OH MY GOD." Skulduggery  
Cried in anguish, dropping the Guns and dashing to Fletcher's side. Fletcher lay on the ground, hardly breathing."I'm.. So sorry." Skulduggery whispered, shaking his head. Valkyrie frowned.  
"Why the hell are you worried about him, Skulduggery? I thought you hated him and his stupid hair." Non existent tears were flowing down Skulduggery's cheekbones. In fact, those tears weren't  
even of major importance. I don't know why I wrote that. China Sorrows suddenly came running towards them, a derped up expression on her face. "HEEYYY GUUYS~!" She shouted sluggishly. Skulduggery  
shot her. With his hands. Valkyrie giggled. Fletcher teleported away, probably to Antarctica. "I'm.. Really bored." Valkyrie announced. Skulduggery nodded. "Yes." He said. Valkyrie hit his arm  
softly. "Pfft, you weren't even listening to me." She said, grinning. Skulduggery tilted his head. "I always listen to you." Valkyrie frowned. "Then why did you reply, 'yes' to a statement?" The  
battle slowly began to heat back up around them. Skulduggery shrugged, "Am I not allowed to be different once in a while? Is that such a cri-" He was cut off by a Cleaver grabbing his arms and  
wrestling them behind his back. "You are under arrest." Valkyrie murmured, slightly amused. "Not fair!" Skulduggery whined, before exploding into a cloud of dust. Marrow. Stuff bones are made of.  
Uh. Calcium?... Whatever. Fletcher teleported back, uninjured and definitely not dead. "Fletcher?" Valkyrie said, confused. "Why're you wearing pajamas? We're at a party!" She exclaimed.  
Fletcher licked his renewed ice cream. "Oh." He mumbled, mouth full of ice cream. Valkyrie splayed her hand, and Fletcher's Ice cream floated away from him and into her hand. She bit into it.  
Then everything went black.

When Valkyrie woke, she was strapped to a table. Per usual. "This tends to happen a lot." She mused, gazing at the buckle around her middle. The horrible creature, Nye, walked into the room.  
It's face that of a sneer. "I want Ice cream." Valkyrie whispered, her eyes glazing over at Nye's entrance. Nye nodded, and sawed her arm off. A burst of light emanated from the bleeding stump  
that was Valkyrie's arm... And ice cream appeared. "Yes." She whispered. Then a little louder. "YES, ICE CREAM!" She teleported away, Fletcher clinging to her and licking her  
newly formed Ice-Cream Arm. "No, MINE!" She screeched, reeling away from him, stumbling around the apartment where Fletcher had taken them. "My.. My precious.." She hissed, nomming her amazing  
arm some more. Fletcher sobbed from the floor. "So.. That means you're breaking up with me..?" He asked, voice wavering. Valkyrie, crawling around on the apartment roof hissed, then nodded. "Yes.  
I hereby announce thee, dumped." She laughed maniacally, falling from the roof through the floor and then eventually burning herself to death on the molten core of the Earth.  
Fletcher nodded at her death, then sniffed the air. "I should.. Summon some spirits." He teleported to an ancient burial ground, brought Skulduggery Pleasant back from the death-Again. Then  
took him to the world's best party with all the most famous celebrities. An hour later, they were in a mosh pit with drunk people grinding on them at every angle. "So," Lady GaGa shouted over  
the music and crowd. "You got dumped? Then watched her fall through the floor to her doom?" Fletcher, dancing alongside her laughed meekly. "Yeah.. I guess this stuff just kinda happens."  
A note of sadness was in his voice. Lady GaGa nodded. "Just so you know, I'm single.." She said, suggestively. "And, your hair is stupid enough to be in one of my music videos...Plus I like  
Ice cream, and you seem to have eaten the house's supply of the stuff."  
Fletcher stopped dancing. His eyes widening. He stared at the floor. "S-she.. She... SHE LIKED ICE CREAM...!" He ran away, sobbing and screaming his woes to the world, then tripped on a really  
short person, skidding his face against the ground causing his immediate death. Skulduggery whistled. "Fletcher, I might leave. Too many people are hitting on my magnificent self." He waltzed  
out of the house and the whole party stopped. "We should leave too, and follow that guys example!" Hollered Jason Derulo. "Yeah. I need to go get my skin whitened." Mumbled Katy Perry.  
And then everyone left.

China's corpse was still in the Empty parking lot. Along with several Dead Cleavers and dozens of hollow men. "Can someone help me up?" Her dead body called. But of course, due to her being  
Dead and all, no one answered. Valkyrie's ghost wandered past. "I can help you, China." Valkyrie's ghost said, enticingly. "What's the price, dear..?" China's corpse said warily. Valkyrie's  
Ghost shrugged. "Let me inhabit your corpse and bring my own corpse back from the dead with the locked out powers of my alter ego slash True Name Darquesse." She answered simply. China nodded. "K, u gun d-stroy the  
world or sum biz?" Valkyrie's ghost nodded. "Yeh, probs."

Skulduggery faced Darquesse, guns aimed for her head, every motion he made was swift and deliberate. Scythes of Darkness were dodged, bullets were fired, and flames thrown. But the victor was  
apparent. "Skulduggery~ I have a new trick up my sleeve!" Darquesse cooed, flying circles above the ground, dodging his attacks. Skulduggery paused. "Is this trick perhaps bringing Valkyrie  
back and letting us both walk away together fully intact?" He quizzed. Darquesse laughed. "Ahahaahahahaha, Skulduggery, you kidder! AhahahahAahahaHAHahaha-No." She pouted, then went invisible.  
Skulduggery cursed, and splayed his gloved hands, sensing where she was, but failing to do so in time. He got swept sideways off his feet, and was pinned by the now visible Darquesse...

"ARRRIIIIIBAAAAA~" Mexican music played, and Darquesse's weakness drew Valkyrie back out! Valkyrie danced crazily, giggling with glee, happy to be back. Skulduggery throw a Sombrero at her,  
shot bursts of fire into the air in time to the music. "No one can stop us now~" The Skeleton man almost purred. As the music made it's way across the globe. "Skulduggery!" Valkyrie squealed,  
Still dancing madly. "I believe the Bentley was recently fixed.."

The two best friends were dancing on the crumpled Bentley. Skulduggery singing in Mexican, and Valkyrie crying, delirious with happiness. "Hey guys can I joi-" Fletcher said, appearing, also  
back from the dead. Skulduggery shot him with his hand. The body was gone before it hit the ground. China had eaten it. From her retirement home in France. Valkyrie smiled, dancing madly.  
Skulduggery danced so hard that his suit caught on fire. Valkyrie licked her elbow.

_..I might write more of these. But I can't do much more than fighting, _  
_characters licking their own elbows, eating each other, killing each other,_  
_spontaneously bursting, hanging with celebs, Stupid China Sorrows being stupid,_  
_and Fletcher being the only character that I cannot write for shiiii..._

_Love all you peoples, peace! -Clawdiana_


End file.
